Parma Ham: Older Than Jesus Christ

As mentioned, Monday was all about experiencing Parma's finest products: parmesan, prosciutto and balsamic vinegar. We booked a tour that would take us to makers of each, and our guide was named Amalda (which Liza could never remember. Esmeralda?). We were a little nervous when the night before they asked if it was okay for her to ride in our car, but thankfully she was very pleasant.

First stop, parmesan factory. The thing that distinguishes parmesan factories from the other regional specialties is that they have to work every day. Ham and balsalmic makers -- way lazy. But because parmesan uses a steady cycle of milk and whey, they do the same routine every morning. The giant cheese curds that start the process weigh 90 kg, which means the guys on the floor are built like no one's business. Let that be a lesson to you - if you're on match.com and someone says they work in parmesan factory, they're going to have a hot bod. We got to try some of the cheese right out of the vats, and before it takes its 2 week salt bath, it tastes pretty much like mozarella. We also got to taste some fresh ricotta that was literally 3 steps away from the cow, and though I've always said ricotta was my least favorite cheese, turns out I like it when you can still see the cow in the distance.

Second stop, prosciutto factory. There is a letter from a Roman noble from 100 BC mentioning the ham of Parma, so it is NO LIE older than Jesus. We lucked out that we were taking our tour on a Monday because apparently that's the only day the guys work in the factory. And that's because when it comes to prosciutto, there really isn't much to do. It's salted, massaged, salted, massaged, salted and then hung in various rooms at various temperatures for various times (sidebar: they now have a machine that massages the hams, but in the old days there was a person whose job it was to give the hams a rub down. Jealousy). The only other job of note is that late in the process a person comes and rubs this fat and flour concoction on the exposed part of the ham to preserve it for the final stage. To be honest, there's nothing that interesting about the entire process, but as a couple gals who love a salted meat, we were in hog heaven. (ZING!)

We stopped at a lambrusco vineyard for a 6-course lunch (for 25e) that included many of the products typical to the area (and good news - Amalda watches all the best American TV shows), did a quick photo opp at a castle and then hit balsamic factory. (sidebar, there is another castle in this area that has been owned by same family since the 14th century, and the current owner has no heir. In other words, goodbye America). Again, there isn't really anything interesting about the balsamic process, so not worth noting, but we tasted four varieties, the cheapest being 16e and the most expensive, aged 25 years, is 95e. I know it's hard to imagine that there is balsalmic vinegar in the world that's older than I am, but try your best.

And then we fi.na.ly arrived back in Parma. Our tour was supposed to end at 3:30, but it actually ended at 5. Amalda, though awesome, was a tad on the slow side, and while having her in the car with us was fine, I tapped out pretty early on with the small talk and left it for Liza to deal with. I am aware this is f-ed up. We recouped a bit at our apartment and then had drinks at our favorite wine bar (that's not so much our favorite any more) followed by dinner at a restaurant Amalda recommended. I decided pasta twice a day for three days was overkill so opted for a lighter carpaccio salad with some local parmesan. Liza had horsemeat. She did. And you know what? It was fucking delicious. We ended our evening with some pints of local beer at a pub in our hood. The bartender bought us shots, and then tried to buy us french fries as well, but we're too sophisticated for that.